Monday, November 21, 2005

Fiction for Fun

In an effort to reveal some of the more interesting (funny/witty) things that I've come up with, I thought I'd post a couple of emails that a buddy and I have formulated recently.

This one starts out with a picture of him and his fiance' (seen below) in an email. I had observed that he was holding out a tortilla chip.

(this email thread is kind of long, but if you like quirky humor, then it will be worth your time.)

(This was my response to his email):

Awww... the picture is great! You guys look in love.... you, Hallie and your chip. What is that?... a tortilla chip? So proudly held up to be captured in the photo.
Your chip is so photogenic! Believe you me, I've seen a lot of tortilla chips and this is a fine looking chip. Not to mention... the tortilla chip is also the best of all chips. Sure there are other chips out there, but this chip you hold... The Tortilla Chip... None other can be reckoned with as the Tortilla chip. Taken from the Corn... America's finest vegetable crop... dried and grinded with the greatest of love. Formed into the perfect sized triangle, then baked (with salt and a couple other ingredients), and removed from the oven revealing the delectable bite-sized morsel. Tenderly placed inside the freshness preserving bag, sealed and gingerly carried to your local convenient store (or arena stadium) for you to savor while viewing your favorite sports past-time. Perhaps, dipping (but not double dipping) it into your favorite salsa or queso variety... or perhaps you prefer your chips drowned in a mountain of chile and cheese... with sour cream, chives, jalapeƱo's and peppers. Let your imagination take you to your taste buds delight. Ah yes, the Tortilla chip. Brought to us from the ancient Mayan hills... the recipe has been passed down from generation to generation for all to partake, when and where they will. The tortilla chip... your best friend... my best friend... always there when you need one, or two... or a bag full.

I'm so proud of you, Jeremy, for stepping out... and recognizing your 'Tortilla Chip', so proudly. You are more a man than most... alive... free... and in love. It prides me to call you my friend!
Jeremy... you are my friend... my best friend... and I thank you for that. It all began on that sunny, fresh, spring afternoon, when you shared... with me... none other than... a Tortilla chip.


(Then came J's response)

Whilst Hallie read your rhapsodic soliloquy to the tortilla chip with much laughter and joy, I fear, my friend, that I cannot congratulate you. Indeed, your tribute is truly inspired, but is lacking in the necessary facts to substantiate your argument. To wit...

1) The tortilla chip is made from corn, as you astutely point out. Corn, however, is not America's finest vegetable crop. The US Department of Agriculture has given tomatoes that honor; corn ranks 7th behind lima beans, lettuce, onions, leeks, and carrots. In a recent "Family Circle" poll, corn rates 4th, and the BCS rankings have corn in 11th, trailing Texas, USC, Georgia, Virginia Tech, and LSU (among others). If it is your opinion that corn is the finest, then say so, but don't try to fool me with your "America's finest vegetable" tripe, mister!

2) When producing corn for tortilla chips, the vegetable is not "dried" - it is hydro-pollenated, washed, polarized, ionized with polymer biglutocartomates, then ground (not "grinded") through a multi-tiered farm haberdasher ombudsman. "Dried and grinded"... hah!

3) The "perfect-sized triangle" you refer to does not (and can never) exist. According to mathematicians from Galileo to modern times, the concept of a perfect-sized triangle violates the basic Marconi principle of v=(3pi+xg1)/n where n=neothermic velocity. Even a third grader knows that a 'perfect triangle' would have to include 3pq, which, is only possible if gravity exists as a polytharpic function which, as I am sure Logan would tell you, cannot occur. You would be better off saying 'perfect N*SYNC record' than you would saying 'perfect-sized triangle'...

4) Tortilla chips as Mayan? Mayan!?!? Clearly we have not read G.K. Molterglot's incisive book On the Origins of Tailgating Foods and Condiments, with Asides on the Sausages, have we? If you had, you would know that the tortilla chip is, in fact, derived from the Finnish pryzbilla, handed down to explorers from Davenport, Iowa, in the mid-1500s. From there, to Kansas City, where it became a staple of 17th century blues guitarists. Union soldiers were paid in tortilla chips rather than cash, and Custer had chips with him during his famous "Next to Last Stand", which was really a social event more than anything (we all know how the actual party turned out). Mayans feasted on Ritz crackers and brie, but never (I say never!) did they actually enjoy a tortilla chip until the Rolling Stones brought them to the Mayan Civic Arena during their "Sticky Fingers" tour in 1965 (apparently, "Jumpin' Jack Flash" was big with those wacky Mayans) ...

I could continue, but that would only serve to shame and humiliate you, so please - from now on - get you facts right first, the rest will follow.

Have a great day!~


(of course, this deserved another response)

Oh sure... Try to complicate your message with...

... your recent polls, your statistical rantings, your big words like, " polymer biglutocartomates", "multi-tiered farm haberdasher ombudsman", and "ground"...

... your sophisticated Marconian principles, trying to intimidate me with "v=(3pi+xg1)/n", "polytharpic functions" and "N*Synch" references...

... your "incisive books", your "Finnish pryzbilla's", "blues guitarists" and "Union Soldiers"...

It's like you are French or something. It was Steve Martin that said, "In French, oeuf means egg, cheese is fromage... it's like those French have a different word for everything."

You were wise to stop when you did. You were only hurting reputation as a "Dr."

If you had taken the time to get a little sleep, while studying for, and writing, your dissertation, maybe you wouldn't have skipped over a small tid-bit of information that your reproach is missing.

It is "beets" that you are referring to. It is the Beet that is derived from the Finnish pryzbilla, but it is the Ashkenazi mutation of the Amylum Maidis (which has become known as 'corn'), which was brought over in the 8th century by the migration of birds (or Waterfowl, if you will)... The Black Duck (Anas rubripes ) from the, then wetlands, of the Anatini tribe, which existed for a short period of time on the West Coast lakes of the Puerto Callo Huancaveltco Mountain range in South America, when an Epic typhoon brought treacherous winds and enormous waves from a Tsunami caused from a purported Volcanic disruption on the Ocean's floor, washing the tribe, of what was believed to be over 800 in number, to sea. The winds carried the specially bred birds, used for their down coats, but mostly bred for their innate ability to foster the tribes children until they were old enough to be put to work in the hill-side crops of what we now know as 'corn'. The birds were carried by the storm North, North-West to 88 degrees longitude and 20 degrees latitude to the Dzibilnocac Mayan tribe in the Yucatan Peninsula, carrying the 'corn' seed in their bowel. The birds were welcomed for some months, until the Mayan mistook the instinctual fostering ability of these gentle birds to be threatening, as the tribes people were waking up to find their newly born children had gone missing and searching only to find the children being fed and being taught to speak a tribal dialect that they had never heard before... though the 'crazy old man' of the tribe spoke of a time when he was washed up on some foreign shore after a boating accident and had once loved a woman that spoke such a language... The birds where then hunted down in the following weeks and were completely extinguished, never to reproduce again. Season's had passed and the Mayans had noticed a new crop of vegetation that was growing, over time, in the vicinity where the "Aves Abductus" (abducting birds) had nested. The Mayans didn't know what to make of this new vegetation, until this one particular season, when the children, who had once been 'abducted' by the birds, had started to cultivate and harvest this strange flower. For Seven Hundred years, the Mayans experimented with the produce, and it became the most coveted commodity among the people. A rebel tribe of the Tepequacuilco province, stole what they thought to be the best seed, used to produce the finest of corn, usually reserved for royalty. The rebels, knowing that they would never survive in their own land, jumped in a boat and headed North across the Gulf of Mexico. Their boat landed at, what we would now know as the port of Pensacola, Florida, but in their haste, left their native shores without any food or water... or fishing equipment... so all of the rebels had perished. The Cautantowwit tribe of the Ohio based Wakaponeta proper was on a hiatus in Florida when they discovered this boat that had washed ashore carrying this foreign seed. The Cautantowwit vacationers took this seed back to their homeland...

... and there we have the real story of how corn began in America.

Someday, when you have time, we can talk about unleavened bread product you refer to as 'Ritz cracker'.



So there you have it. Story upon story... facts made into fiction... all in the name of humor.


Post a Comment

<< Home