Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Jeremy's call

My buddy Jeremy called me some time ago and left the totally hilarious message on my voicemail. He is known for his random rantings and improvisations of comedy. It's something our friendship has thirved on since the fifth grade.

Listen here. (I should mention: this MP3 is a 1.7mb download... 1:48 min. rant)

Or go to my audio web page.

This call was some time ago, but it's taken me this long to get the right software and equipment to have it recorded from my cell phone... saved as an mp3... archived on a 'free storage' website... and then posted to my blog. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.



I went to the "Trans Siberian Orchestra" concert last night in Hershey, at the Giant center. I wasn't too excited about hearing such an awesome ensemble in a gym, but I was pleasantly surprised with the accoustics. Plus, we had great seats... stadium seats, mind you, but we had a great view of the stage (do I sound like a concert snob?).

I do have to say that I had an incredible experience. The lights... the music... wow. I am really just speachless. I had no expectations going into this, but I was completely enthralled... with the vocal abilities... with the musical abilities... the blending... the mixing. It was amazing... and down right fun!

I sat there most of the time thinking about how much I enjoy music. For a long time, it was a big part of my life... from fifth grade into my second year of college, I was a musician and vocalist. I have to wonder where that would have taken me if I had stuck with it... if I had made a career of it. Would I have been good enough to make it with TSO?

The reason I did drop it was because I didn't think it would sustain me financially. I made it about the money (I guess I always do that... I need to consider how this limitation has stifled my growth as a person).

The other thing I noticed I was doing was just listening... but not to the words. In fact, during one song I was listening so intently to the vocal style of this one bloke, that I realized that I didn't even know what he was singing about. It was the characteristics of his voice and each one of them, male and female... as well as, the playing styles of each musician... their mannerisms as they played... their enthusiasm... their love for what they were doing. That's what I was interested in. Sure it was nice that they had a Christmas theme, but it was the heart and style that interested me.

Music... I need to spend more time with her.

I have recently joined a local group to sing with. We'll see where this goes. It really is a great way for me to express myself. Perhaps I should consider auditioning for the local theatre, specifically, musicals.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Turkey Fry horror! (and weekend update)

Ok, I've heard all of the horror stories about frying a turkey, but I figured, "how bad could it be?"

(I know I should have been blogging all of this time, but I'm such a bad "at-home" blogger. For some reason I don't like to get on the computer at home. My workouts will be at the end of this blog.)

It was quite a day. We drove up to Philadelphia (Bryn Mawr), to uncle Frank's place for the day. He was hosting Thanksgiving dinner again this year (though this was my first time). We arrived, fashionably late, thinking dinner would soon be ready, pending the usual last minute "fixin's." Come to find out, Uncle Frank hadn't even started heating the oil for the turkey fry. He was adamant that this 'process' didn't take long. The time was 13:30.

Uncle Frank, Arnie and I proceded to prepare an area in the yard (away from the house). Frank was telling us the story of how, last year, he was informed by his neighbor, that his yard was ON FIRE! So we raked away the leaves and assured that this year there would be no danger of catching anything on fire. The ground (and leaves) were wet from the previous evenings rain (and snow), so I was confident that 'fire' could be avoided. (I'm laughing inside at the mere thought of a holiday fire as such)

An hour later, the oil was warming over the seemingly recalescent flame, but, according to Franks thermometer, it wasn't getting hot. It was reading a temp of 120, when the final temp needed to be 400. Typically, this should only take approximately 45 minutes to reach. (again, laughing with myself at another holiday mis-calculation)

Another hour later, we made all the excuses we could about why it wasn't getting hotter faster. It was cold out... It was windy out... The oil was too cold when we poured it into the pot.... blah, blah, blah. We went inside again to give it more time (it really was quite cold out and my glass had run out of Scotch).

I was upstairs putting my youngest down for a nap, when I hear people yelling... "There's smoke! It's SMOKING! There's SMOKE every where!"

I hustle myself downstairs and outside to find Arnie holding a fire extinguisher and Frank standing over a flaming pot of peanut oil. Fortunately, that's all that was on fire. The oil had gotten too hot and had reached it's flash-point ( Autoignition temperature: 443C (829F))!!! Ooops! Apparently, Frank's thermometer wasn't working properly.

We promptly turned off the propane flame. The flame from the oil was easily contained by placing a lid on the pot, suffocating it. Though the smoke was still intimidating.

We agreed that we would allow the oil to cool before placing the turkey in... duh!

Frank was able to find a neighbor that had a temperature gage... THAT WORKED!

Meanwhile, people were starving. We could only eat so many crackers with cheese. (again, laughing inside. Must have been all that scotch on an empty stomach, because I just thought this whole day was hilarious).

After another long period of time, allowing the oil to cool, Frank decided we just needed to get the turkey a fryin'. I helped Frank lower the turkey into the oil, knowing that the oil was still a tad too hot... but we knew the turkey would also help to lower the oil temperature. I was happy when Frank brought out a long pole to do so, because I was wearing some really nice slacks and a very expensive sweater. And besides that, I wasn't open to having flesh scaring oil spashing up on me.

Ever so slowly, we lowered the turkey into the oil and I'm happy to announce that no one was hurt and nothing was damaged. Yay!

Four hours from the originally planned dinner time, we ate... and all were merry!

Workout update:

  • Wednesday - I thought I was getting sick so I didn't workout.
  • Thursday - I was fearing for my life... drowning my fear with Scotch.
  • Friday - I didn't make it to the two-hour spin class. I guess I'm more of a hardcore sleeper than a hardcore athlete at this point in my life. :-/ ... But I did make it to the regular one-hour spin class.
  • Saturday - 1200 yards in the pool and 3.2 miles on the 'Dreadmill'.

I remembered to bring my headphones, so I was able to get on one of those Treadmills that has the television. It really seemed to help me take my mind off of the 'pains' of running. I attribute much of this to being able to go the 5k distance after the 1200 yds. in the pool... that or I'm just getting better ;-)

ps... mark this as my longest blog ever... phew!

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Brrrr..... (and happy holiday)

I guess winter is here in the Mid-Atlantic. It couldn't even wait to be recognized on it's official, first day of Winter.

We only have light snow flurries, but IT'S SNOWING.

I thought my face was going to freeze off this morning, just walking from the parking garage to my office building. I couldn't imagine running in such bitterness... but I know people do. Hard-core people. Hard-core people ROCK... I wanna be hard-core when I grow up!

We get out early today, for the holiday (I feel like I'm in school again...I'm so excited!). I will use my free time wisely and go to the gym for a workout... but first a nap, perhaps. :-)

Here's wishing each and every one of you a happy holiday weekend. Eat to your hearts delight! We can do that sort of thing... we are athletes and we can burn it off later (or if you're like me, you've been burning it off beforehand so that you can gorge yourself on Thursday!).

The gym is having a special two-hour Spin class on Friday after Thanksgiving... depending on how much I eat, I may be going to this class. :-D

Monday, November 21, 2005

An explanation...

Why "Double Entendre?"

A friend of mine observed that I used the "double entendre" as a part of my humor.

Main Entry: double entendre
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: play on words
Synonyms: ambiguity, amphibiology, double meaning, equivocality, equivocation, equivoque, innuendo, joke, pun, tergiversation
Source: Roget's New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.1.1)
Copyright © 2005 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.

It's just the way my mind works...

... so I've adapted that as my web name.

Email wit...

This was another email... J. replied to an email of mine inquiring about Hotels for his wedding. It starts out like this:

We are not entirely sure yet - they shouldn't be much more than $100/night for a suite w/ free breakfast. Once we have all that info, I'll get it to ya...

You da man!

(my response)

Free Breakfast?!! I'm going INSANE right now!!!

They've always said that there's no such thing as a "free lunch"... but YOU HAVE blown away that paradigm with 'FREE BREAKFAST'!!!

And some places serve breakfast all day long! So, essentially, you could order your breakfast at noon (which is really lunch time) and get a 'free lunch'. It's a Loop-Hole! I love Loop-Holes!

Down with all those nay-sayers!! There is such thing as a 'Free Lunch'! It's all around us... all day... everyday!

This has got to be the best day of my life!

It's too late in the day, now, to get my 'free lunch'... but that's what I'm going to do tomorrow.... I'm going to get my 'free lunch'... in the form of Breakfast!!!! [at noon]

Is there such a thing as "National Loop-Hole Appreciation day?" ... No? ... Well there should be... I'm calling the President first thing on Monday!



Just more of the crazy things that go through my head, but don't always make it to my blog.

Fiction for Fun

In an effort to reveal some of the more interesting (funny/witty) things that I've come up with, I thought I'd post a couple of emails that a buddy and I have formulated recently.

This one starts out with a picture of him and his fiance' (seen below) in an email. I had observed that he was holding out a tortilla chip.

(this email thread is kind of long, but if you like quirky humor, then it will be worth your time.)

(This was my response to his email):

Awww... the picture is great! You guys look in love.... you, Hallie and your chip. What is that?... a tortilla chip? So proudly held up to be captured in the photo.
Your chip is so photogenic! Believe you me, I've seen a lot of tortilla chips and this is a fine looking chip. Not to mention... the tortilla chip is also the best of all chips. Sure there are other chips out there, but this chip you hold... The Tortilla Chip... None other can be reckoned with as the Tortilla chip. Taken from the Corn... America's finest vegetable crop... dried and grinded with the greatest of love. Formed into the perfect sized triangle, then baked (with salt and a couple other ingredients), and removed from the oven revealing the delectable bite-sized morsel. Tenderly placed inside the freshness preserving bag, sealed and gingerly carried to your local convenient store (or arena stadium) for you to savor while viewing your favorite sports past-time. Perhaps, dipping (but not double dipping) it into your favorite salsa or queso variety... or perhaps you prefer your chips drowned in a mountain of chile and cheese... with sour cream, chives, jalapeño's and peppers. Let your imagination take you to your taste buds delight. Ah yes, the Tortilla chip. Brought to us from the ancient Mayan hills... the recipe has been passed down from generation to generation for all to partake, when and where they will. The tortilla chip... your best friend... my best friend... always there when you need one, or two... or a bag full.

I'm so proud of you, Jeremy, for stepping out... and recognizing your 'Tortilla Chip', so proudly. You are more a man than most... alive... free... and in love. It prides me to call you my friend!
Jeremy... you are my friend... my best friend... and I thank you for that. It all began on that sunny, fresh, spring afternoon, when you shared... with me... none other than... a Tortilla chip.


(Then came J's response)

Whilst Hallie read your rhapsodic soliloquy to the tortilla chip with much laughter and joy, I fear, my friend, that I cannot congratulate you. Indeed, your tribute is truly inspired, but is lacking in the necessary facts to substantiate your argument. To wit...

1) The tortilla chip is made from corn, as you astutely point out. Corn, however, is not America's finest vegetable crop. The US Department of Agriculture has given tomatoes that honor; corn ranks 7th behind lima beans, lettuce, onions, leeks, and carrots. In a recent "Family Circle" poll, corn rates 4th, and the BCS rankings have corn in 11th, trailing Texas, USC, Georgia, Virginia Tech, and LSU (among others). If it is your opinion that corn is the finest, then say so, but don't try to fool me with your "America's finest vegetable" tripe, mister!

2) When producing corn for tortilla chips, the vegetable is not "dried" - it is hydro-pollenated, washed, polarized, ionized with polymer biglutocartomates, then ground (not "grinded") through a multi-tiered farm haberdasher ombudsman. "Dried and grinded"... hah!

3) The "perfect-sized triangle" you refer to does not (and can never) exist. According to mathematicians from Galileo to modern times, the concept of a perfect-sized triangle violates the basic Marconi principle of v=(3pi+xg1)/n where n=neothermic velocity. Even a third grader knows that a 'perfect triangle' would have to include 3pq, which, is only possible if gravity exists as a polytharpic function which, as I am sure Logan would tell you, cannot occur. You would be better off saying 'perfect N*SYNC record' than you would saying 'perfect-sized triangle'...

4) Tortilla chips as Mayan? Mayan!?!? Clearly we have not read G.K. Molterglot's incisive book On the Origins of Tailgating Foods and Condiments, with Asides on the Sausages, have we? If you had, you would know that the tortilla chip is, in fact, derived from the Finnish pryzbilla, handed down to explorers from Davenport, Iowa, in the mid-1500s. From there, to Kansas City, where it became a staple of 17th century blues guitarists. Union soldiers were paid in tortilla chips rather than cash, and Custer had chips with him during his famous "Next to Last Stand", which was really a social event more than anything (we all know how the actual party turned out). Mayans feasted on Ritz crackers and brie, but never (I say never!) did they actually enjoy a tortilla chip until the Rolling Stones brought them to the Mayan Civic Arena during their "Sticky Fingers" tour in 1965 (apparently, "Jumpin' Jack Flash" was big with those wacky Mayans) ...

I could continue, but that would only serve to shame and humiliate you, so please - from now on - get you facts right first, the rest will follow.

Have a great day!~


(of course, this deserved another response)

Oh sure... Try to complicate your message with...

... your recent polls, your statistical rantings, your big words like, " polymer biglutocartomates", "multi-tiered farm haberdasher ombudsman", and "ground"...

... your sophisticated Marconian principles, trying to intimidate me with "v=(3pi+xg1)/n", "polytharpic functions" and "N*Synch" references...

... your "incisive books", your "Finnish pryzbilla's", "blues guitarists" and "Union Soldiers"...

It's like you are French or something. It was Steve Martin that said, "In French, oeuf means egg, cheese is fromage... it's like those French have a different word for everything."

You were wise to stop when you did. You were only hurting reputation as a "Dr."

If you had taken the time to get a little sleep, while studying for, and writing, your dissertation, maybe you wouldn't have skipped over a small tid-bit of information that your reproach is missing.

It is "beets" that you are referring to. It is the Beet that is derived from the Finnish pryzbilla, but it is the Ashkenazi mutation of the Amylum Maidis (which has become known as 'corn'), which was brought over in the 8th century by the migration of birds (or Waterfowl, if you will)... The Black Duck (Anas rubripes ) from the, then wetlands, of the Anatini tribe, which existed for a short period of time on the West Coast lakes of the Puerto Callo Huancaveltco Mountain range in South America, when an Epic typhoon brought treacherous winds and enormous waves from a Tsunami caused from a purported Volcanic disruption on the Ocean's floor, washing the tribe, of what was believed to be over 800 in number, to sea. The winds carried the specially bred birds, used for their down coats, but mostly bred for their innate ability to foster the tribes children until they were old enough to be put to work in the hill-side crops of what we now know as 'corn'. The birds were carried by the storm North, North-West to 88 degrees longitude and 20 degrees latitude to the Dzibilnocac Mayan tribe in the Yucatan Peninsula, carrying the 'corn' seed in their bowel. The birds were welcomed for some months, until the Mayan mistook the instinctual fostering ability of these gentle birds to be threatening, as the tribes people were waking up to find their newly born children had gone missing and searching only to find the children being fed and being taught to speak a tribal dialect that they had never heard before... though the 'crazy old man' of the tribe spoke of a time when he was washed up on some foreign shore after a boating accident and had once loved a woman that spoke such a language... The birds where then hunted down in the following weeks and were completely extinguished, never to reproduce again. Season's had passed and the Mayans had noticed a new crop of vegetation that was growing, over time, in the vicinity where the "Aves Abductus" (abducting birds) had nested. The Mayans didn't know what to make of this new vegetation, until this one particular season, when the children, who had once been 'abducted' by the birds, had started to cultivate and harvest this strange flower. For Seven Hundred years, the Mayans experimented with the produce, and it became the most coveted commodity among the people. A rebel tribe of the Tepequacuilco province, stole what they thought to be the best seed, used to produce the finest of corn, usually reserved for royalty. The rebels, knowing that they would never survive in their own land, jumped in a boat and headed North across the Gulf of Mexico. Their boat landed at, what we would now know as the port of Pensacola, Florida, but in their haste, left their native shores without any food or water... or fishing equipment... so all of the rebels had perished. The Cautantowwit tribe of the Ohio based Wakaponeta proper was on a hiatus in Florida when they discovered this boat that had washed ashore carrying this foreign seed. The Cautantowwit vacationers took this seed back to their homeland...

... and there we have the real story of how corn began in America.

Someday, when you have time, we can talk about unleavened bread product you refer to as 'Ritz cracker'.



So there you have it. Story upon story... facts made into fiction... all in the name of humor.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Ah... the Tat

But first... here's a picture of my puppy.

His name is Xander. He is 2 years old (born Aug. 24th, 2003). He is currently, 75 lbs. His father was 110 lbs and his grand-father was 125 lbs., so he still has some growing to do.

I have had some requests to view my tattoo. This was a difficult process and the picture isn't great, but it was the best I could do.


Friday, November 18, 2005

There's a reason...

There's a reason that I've been feeling like a fat cow lately.

It's because I am one!!

I need to have more photo's on my site... it just makes things (and stories) more fun. So I found a photo of me from the 2005 halloween party to share with the world.

Yes... I'm admiring my udders.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005


Do you ever find yourself randomly roaming the internet reading other peoples blogs?

It reminds me of how un-interesting I can be... depressing.

... And yet there are times when I really think of myself as a funny guy. Those times just never seem to make it to the blog.

One of the reasons I started the blog was to create an avenue for creativity... to 'blog' some of the random and quirky things that go through my head... it doesn't seem to be working.

Are my blogging days over before they've started?

I'm not giving up...

Thursday, November 03, 2005

A poem for Marty...

Where is Marty?
the man with so many hats
with the hole in his stockings
with his A$$ super-imposed
Where is Marty?
the one man show
always looking his best
never wearing a vest
unless he's at Fantasy Fest
Where is Marty?
always ready to go
ready to talk
ready to care
Where is Marty?
the man of great wisdom
a full bottle of Perignon
waiting to share some
his laughter so contagious
his stories, he'll take us
his household fastidious
Where is Marty?
the man of great taste
his life never wasted
yearning to experience more
No need to ask where...
he's out there
doing his life
all places he can
well traveled
and well read
hard working
and hard at play
taking it all in...
Marty the maker
maker of life
maker of friends
maker of History
His story he makes
today and tomorrow...
he's Marty
my friend

Tuesday, November 01, 2005


I'm feeling kind of blue at the moment. I just don't have anything to do at work and there's nothing interesting going on. I'd be 'doing' my work, if I had any. So, when there isn't any work to do I get to rely on myself and my friends to keep things interesting... but my friends here at work seem to be too busy. I'm not asking for 'busy', but I am looking for 'interesting'.

I just took a walk for my lunch break. It was nice to get out and get some fresh air. The temperature was a lot warmer than I had expected. The sun was shining. It felt good on my face. I need to get some sun on my skin. I also should bring in some sneakers for walking outside... ouch... my feet hurt from walking so far in my dress shoes... they're sexy shoes, not comfortable shoes.

I just found an interesting radio station on the internet to listen to... disco house music.

There are plenty of interesting people to read about (blogs) on the internet, but I really shouldn't be doing that at work. I do it on occassion, but I should be careful how often I do. My cube is situated near a high traffic walking path, so with all of the people walking by I'm certain that they are looking at what's on my screen.

Music helps... ok, I'm in a better mood now. I've discovered a [new to me] artist, Osunlade. His "Sunlight" dub, from the "Re-Offering", is a hot track! I love it. I need to get my hands on this album. I'm searching the internet now. So far I can only find it in the UK...guh.

Okay... this site rocks... http://www.cheapestcdprice.com/ it finds the cheapest prices on the interweb for you.